Bipolar Chic

I saw my therapist today, for the first time in two months and boy was I glad! I totally unloaded on her, everything that’s happened in the past two months.

I spent a good part of the time complaining about my job. I don’t think I wrote in here when that lady fell with me. It’s the one in the wheelchair that fights me with her feet when I load her on the van. She fell with me a few weeks ago. I was loading her on the van, and she was fighting, and when I was trying to position the wheelchair, she slid off. I felt really bad about that and it was one reason why I was wanting to quit.

The therapist thought that there need to be foot rests on the wheelchair for safety reasons. This lady is due for a new wheelchair now, so I will suggest that they get foot rests put on the new wheelchair. If she had foot rests, her feet wouldn’t touch the ground and she couldn’t fight me when I’m loading and unloading her in the van.

All in all I feel pretty good about this appointment. The therapist always builds me up, and I think she sees that I need it. She keeps telling me that I am smart and that everything I say makes sense.

There has been talk lately of me buying my old boss’ caregiving business, the one I used to work for. She’s selling it for $5,000. My brother would loan me the money if he liked the business, but he doesn’t. He wasn’t happy with the numbers.

Here are the numbers: She made $37,000 in 2007, $35,000 in 2008 and $10,000 in 2009. She hasn’t made much this year because she didn’t promote it. I could promote it and get it back up to the $30,000 range and even more than that.

But my brother doesn’t like it so he’s not loaning me the money. I don’t know what to do. I could get a bank loan and buy the business anyway. But I am afraid of going against his counsel. If he says not to buy it, maybe I shouldn’t.

But my husband wants me to buy it.

The upside to buying it would be a career change that would get me out of this job that I don’t like. And it has a potential to earn more money.

The other option is to try and find caregiving work as an independent contractor. My brother is willing to pay for me to advertise my services in the paper. I may just do that and not run an actual business.

I’m not happy with my life right now. I need a new place to live, and I need a new job.

My old boss is selling her business for $5,000 and I want to buy it, if I can get the money.

I feel better now that I’ve decreased the Invega, after only a day! So it WAS the Invega. My friends and family are noticing the difference too. They say I am back to my old self. YAY!

I am glad because now I don’t have to worry so much about how I am acting and if people think that I am weird.

Me: Friends and family say I have been acting strange. That I have a “flat affect” – not displaying proper emotions, that I have been staring, and walking funny. It either has to do with medication or depression, I am not sure which. My doctor decreased my medication because of these symptoms. I wanted to know if you noticed anything recently. My mom says I’ve been acting like a western state patient and that really scares me.

My BFF’s reply: You have always been reserved, quiet and conservative to a point. That is just your personality. When you and I are together we talk and giggle, that doesn’t seem flat to me. Maybe it is the meds. I have the opposite problem, I am overreactive. Don’t let your mom scare you. She can’t put you in Western State I don’t think and I don’t think you act like that.

That makes me feel a whole lot better!

I’ve been reading about “flat affect” online. The websites talk about it being a symptom of schizophrenia and depression, but they say nothing about it being a side effect of medication. Thus, I think my behavior stems from depression and not the Invega. But we shall see. Now that I’m more aware of it, maybe I won’t act that way so much.

Update a few minutes later

I just read something else that said all antipsychotics can cause flat affect. Maybe it is the medication.

My mom told me I was acting weird. She said I would have a deadpan expression, and that I would stare, and walk funny. She said I looked like a mental patient. This really scared me. I was so upset yesterday that I was crying on the way to work and I almost called in sick. Instead, I pulled over, calmed down, and went into work.

I called my doctor’s office yesterday and told them what my friends and family have been saying. The doctor chose to decrease the Invega to 3 mg. I hope this gets rid of the weird symptoms.

A friend of mine says it’s Tardive Dyskenesia.

My husband says my mom is exaggerating and I do not look like a mental patient. She does exaggerate sometimes, and can be very critical.

A friend of mine whom I hadn’t seen for a while said she thinks the Invega is giving me a “flat effect”, that something is missing, and I’m not displaying normal emotions. I told her I’m depressed.

So is it a flat effect from the Invega, or is it depression? I’ll talk to my doctor about that at my next appointment.

Work has threatened to fire me because I don’t have a vehicle. I’m getting my vehicle back hopefully by Friday but I’m at the point where I’d be happy if they fired me. Then I could collect unemployment while I looked for a new job.

Boy, I was upset tonight! I cried and everything!

I realized I have only been in this position for a month or so, and I’m going to make mistakes when I’m new. And one of the mistakes I made was because I wasn’t adequately trained in that area; I didn’t know. And the other one was because I didn’t obey my manager’s instructions. Now that was uncalled for. She specifically told me to check the medications against the list and I didn’t do it. So I missed some. Now I will always check and not rely on my memory, because my memory isn’t that good. Of course, I deal with over a hundred medications between 8 clients. So I’m not going to remember them all.

It will be okay. The worst thing that could happen is I could get fired, and then I could collect unemployment until I found another job. I’m not going to quit. They will have to fire me. In the past, I always quit when I thought I was going to get fired, because of my pride. I am not going to let my pride get in the way this time. I will get up and face each day no matter if I think they don’t like me. They have employees that are worse than me anyway, and they can’t keep people.

The job really doesn’t pay well and I can do better anyway.

Why does life always have to be such a struggle?

Sometimes it is a struggle just to get through the day.

I am really struggling right now because my car is indisposed and work is sucking.

The only thing that’s right with my life is my relationship with my husband. At least I found a good man finally.

But the rest of my life sucks. I just wish I didn’t have to struggle so much. I’m getting tired of this.

You know, I actually envy the disabled people that I take care of at work, because they don’t have to do anything. They don’t have to worry about doing things right. They get taken care of – very well, and they get disability checks and medicaid waivers so everything is paid for and they don’t have to do anything. They can sit and watch T.V. all day and never have to worry about a thing. Must be nice.