Work Sucks
Well it’s official – I hate my job. I have to take clients to out-of-town appointments where I am not familiar, and last week I backed into a car with the company van. I had turned on the wrong road and there was no where to turn around, so I had to back out, and hit a parked car that I didn’t see.
And I have made 2 major booboos in the past week and I had a “talking to” today for it. I get irritated at myself for screwing up and forgetting or overlooking things. I need to be more careful, and my memory needs to improve. I am forgetting things constantly. I was doing pretty good while on the Ritalin. Now I’m off it and I am falling apart, but I can’t deal with the anxiety I get while I’m on it.
I wonder if the memory problem has to do with the Ativan and Klonopin I had been on for so long. I am not taking much anymore, only a couple of times a week now. But when do I get my memory back?
I feel like I can’t do my job. And it doesn’t pay enough anyway. I really want to be a caregiver again. That wasn’t too challenging. I felt like I could handle it. Today someone called me about a caregiving job, but it was only 3 hours per day. I need full-time.
It just seems like my world has fallen apart since I was in the car accident. I feel like I am having a breakdown. Like I am seriously losing my mind. I forget things constantly at work. I can’t keep it together.
All I can do is pray about it. I pray now that I won’t forget stuff – yet I still do.
I’ve always been a bit of a flake. I’ve been forgetting stuff my whole life. And I can’t help it. It really irritates me how God has given me this handicap yet expects me to perform in the real world like a normal person.
Most of the time I can pull off looking like a normal person. People that talk to me think I am intelligent. But then there’s times at work when someone catches a mistake. And when there’s a lot of mistakes, it doesn’t look good.
I’m getting depressed. Trazodone is supposed to be an antidepressant but it isn’t working. I feel like I just want to sleep, and don’t want to do anything. Yet I feel the need to constantly be busy. I’m restless. I want to be busy and at the same time I don’t want to do anything.
