Bipolar Chic

I slept 11 hours last night, and now I feel okay. Why do I need so much sleep?

I feel ridiculously tired. I’m not sure if it’s the Buspar or lack of sleep. I’m mad because my husband will not let me sleep. I have been quite irritable and snapping at everyone today. My husband wants me to list stuff on ebay tonight, and I don’t feel like it. He keeps bugging me to eat cantaloupe and I keep saying that I don’t like it. Screw this, I’m going to bed.

This morning I woke up with pain all over my body. Ibuprofen helps, but when it wears off, the pain comes back.

I am not sleeping well. I am on 300mg of Trazodone right now, and it’s not working.

I really feel terrible. I am tired and in pain and working a lot at a job that is very demanding. I do not have the time or energy to keep up with housework.

My mother in law is visiting Friday and she is a neat freak. I don’t think I will have the house clean by then. And we haven’t finished unpacking yet, there are boxes everywhere. And there is no where to put stuff.

I’ve been away for a while, because I didn’t have internet. I finally got back online this month. I have wireless. It’s not as good as cable or DSL but it’s better than dialup.

Last month I ran out of Invega on a weekend and realized I felt better without it, so I decided not to take it anymore. I went ahead and got more just in case I had an episode and needed it, but I haven’t.

There was more irritability before my last period, but I took Ativan for that.

I saw my doctor last week and I was worried that she’d be upset about me stopping the Invega, but she wasn’t. She said I seemed stable, but I needed to call her if I had an extreme shift in mood lasting longer than a week. I talked about my anxiety so she put me on Buspar so I can hopefully completely eliminate the Ativan. Memory problems are a side effect of benzos and they are also addictive. That’s why I don’t take it at night to sleep anymore. I’m taking trazodone but it doesn’t work very well. It only lasts about 4 hours, then I have to wake up and take another one.

Saturday is my 2 year anniversary with my husband and we are going to NC for the weekend to visit this gem mine: Emerald Hollow Mine. I really like crystals and gems so this will be fun.

I’ve been away from my computer for a while, that’s why I haven’t posted anything. I’ll have internet again soon, and I’ll be posting an update in the next few weeks. If your comment doesn’t get approved right away, that is why.

My husband and I FINALLY found a house last week, only $500 a month. We have moved in, but haven’t moved my son in yet. We’re moving my son in on Sunday.

I feel so much better now that we’re in a house together. I think my depression has lifted.

(Also posted at celebrateyourfreedom.com

I spent nearly ten years of my life with my ex-husband. And he made me absolutely miserable. He had the power to crush me with just his words. Sex was hell with him, because he enjoyed hurting me during the act. He destroyed my self-esteem, and made me insane. When I left him the final time in 2006, I had a mental breakdown. I was so messed up that I couldn’t even pack my clothes to leave; my mother packed them for me.

It’s been over three years now since I left him. I still have problems with anxiety and shyness, and I think part of my issues stem from my bipolar disorder, but I have noticed that I’m getting better. I’m becoming more confident and friendly. I laugh now. And I’m in love with my new husband.

I was driving the other day and I had an epiphany – I thought to myself, “My ex is a douchebag”. For a long time I mulled over the mean things he said to me and the bad things that he did – the rape, the adultery, etc., and felt anger towards him and pity for myself. I really don’t think about what he did anymore. I know what he did, but I don’t obsess over the details. I’ve come as close to forgiveness as I can. I’m not mad at him anymore, but I don’t think what he did was okay. I really think I’m over it now, because now I see that he is just a douchebag. I mean stupid. He said stupid things all the time, like Elvis died on stage. And then he’d argue about it and insult me for not agreeing with him. I got to the point where I just agreed with whatever he said just to shut him up, but inside I would question everything he said because he was a compulsive liar. I coped by spending hours on the computer playing so I could avoid him. I used to feel guilty about that, but now I realized that’s the only way I kept my sanity for so long living with a douchebag – a douchebag that was also mean.

I mean really, how stupid is that – to treat me bad and make me angry and depressed, when all he had to do was be nice to me and I would’ve loved him endlessly? Like my husband treats me now – he treats me like gold, I love him to no end, and I’m good to him. It’s not that hard. My ex had this stupid idea that if he were to be nice to me, I would walk all over him. I’m not like that. Too bad for him that he could never see it.

By realizing my ex is a douchebag, I’ve taken away his power. He can’t hurt me anymore, because he’s just a douchebag. None of the mean things he said matter anymore because he’s a douchebag.

If you need a visual – he is over 300 lbs, wears big glasses, doesn’t brush his teeth, smokes cigarettes, and doesn’t shower often. On top of that, he has poor social skills. For instance, he can’t pick up on social cues. He can’t tell when people are uncomfortable and want the conversation to end. He will keep on talking, often saying offensive or embarrassing things. And then he giggles at his own jokes. He hits on waitresses. He is currently unemployed. He complains about every job he has and ends up quitting. He cusses like a sailor and talks about inappropriate things to our son. He takes our son to Hooters. He says that he will hire a hooker for our son when our son turns 18, “to teach him how to please a woman.”

Yes, this guy is a real douchebag. And I worried about what he thought of me?

I’ve realized recently that my anger is gone. I used to be very angry. I would sit and stew about all the bad things people have done to me over the years and I’d get myself really worked up over it. So worked up, sometimes I had difficulty focusing on tasks. Once I punched the walls until my knuckles bled.

But that’s gone now. I’m just not angry anymore. Sometimes I get annoyed, but that’s not the same thing as angry. And I get over it fairly quickly.

There are three possible reasons that I no longer have anger:

1) The medication is working, and made me stop feeling angry.
2) My love I get from my husband has healed my wounds.
3) God has healed my wounds and cured my anger.

I’m not sure what the reason is for my anger going away but I tell you, this is a much better way to live!

BTW, I finished New Moon today. It wasn’t as good as Twilight but it held my interest just the same. I cried a lot through this book, it was sad, Bella living without Edward. I can’t wait to read the rest of the series, I’m DYING to find out if Bella becomes a vampire. Though I suspect she won’t become one until the end of the last book, Edward will drag this thing out.

My husband finally got his yard cleaned up – right on time. Yesterday he had court and they dismissed the case. YAY!

But now the city is on his case about his house. They want to inspect it to make sure it is suitable for living. It isn’t suitable for living, so he’s been blowing them off. Well, yesterday a city official showed up at his door with two cops. He didn’t let them in. A friend of his is telling him to go ahead and move out. So he said yesterday he was finding a place to live.

Earlier, he said he wanted me to spend the night with him, but I thought since he was finding another place to live, that wouldn’t happen.

Then he called me yesterday and left a voicemail saying that he was going to sleep and he’d call me when he got up.

Then it started snowing, so I left work early. I dropped off my prescription for Trazodone at Walmart and went home. By the time I got on my road, the snow was sticking to the road.

A few hours later, my husband called me and wanted to rent a hotel room with me and get snowed in at the motel. We discussed it for a few minutes, then I decided not to because there was more snow on the ground than before, and I’m not driving in it. He said he couldn’t get up his hill in the truck so I would have to meet him somewhere. He was like “Why didn’t you come over earlier?” I said, “I thought you were finding a place to live.” He said “No didn’t you get my message, I was sleeping?” I said “Let’s just not do this tonight.” He said “Fine, I’ll have to make other arrangements then,” and we hung up.

The fact is, he slept too long. If he had woken up right around the time it started snowing, we could’ve gone to a motel together. And I wouldn’t loved to spend the weekend with him. But I’m not risking my life to do that.

I wish I could say I would do anything for my husband. But I can’t. I won’t risk my life and I won’t clean up his mess. These are things that irritate him, but that’s too bad. I have my limits.

I hope he found a place to stay. I called his phone this morning when I got up and it was turned off. That either means he is sleeping or he’s mad at me. I can’t imagine he was sleeping. He gets up at 2am.

Well I had a talk with my boss about the wheelchair foot rests as my therapist suggested, and my boss responded that all new wheelchairs come with removal foot rests, they just don’t know where this lady’s foot rests are. We are ordering a new wheelchair for her, so that will have foot rests, and hopefully it will be here before Feb when her next appointment is.

BTW, I have joined the “Twilight” craze. I just read the book this week and I love it! Bella and Edward are hot! I am now reading New Moon. I will have to see the movies too once I am done with the books.

I actually think Twilight has brought me out of my depression. Now I look forward to going to work every day so I can read. When before I was dreading work because there was nothing to do. Usually in the mornings, I lay in bed as long as possible, but this morning, I woke up at 5:30 and read my book for an hour. It gives me something to look forward to. I remember when I used to be really into reading when I was younger. I actually took time out of my day to read a good book. Now it’s mostly when I have nothing else to do. But, this weekend, I will take time to read!

It is snowing outside, and they are calling for a foot! I don’t know if I like that or not.