My husband and I FINALLY found a house last week, only $500 a month. We have moved in, but haven’t moved my son in yet. We’re moving my son in on Sunday.
I feel so much better now that we’re in a house together. I think my depression has lifted.
(Also posted at celebrateyourfreedom.com
I spent nearly ten years of my life with my ex-husband. And he made me absolutely miserable. He had the power to crush me with just his words. Sex was hell with him, because he enjoyed hurting me during the act. He destroyed my self-esteem, and made me insane. When I left him the final time in 2006, I had a mental breakdown. I was so messed up that I couldn’t even pack my clothes to leave; my mother packed them for me.
It’s been over three years now since I left him. I still have problems with anxiety and shyness, and I think part of my issues stem from my bipolar disorder, but I have noticed that I’m getting better. I’m becoming more confident and friendly. I laugh now. And I’m in love with my new husband.
I was driving the other day and I had an epiphany – I thought to myself, “My ex is a douchebag”. For a long time I mulled over the mean things he said to me and the bad things that he did – the rape, the adultery, etc., and felt anger towards him and pity for myself. I really don’t think about what he did anymore. I know what he did, but I don’t obsess over the details. I’ve come as close to forgiveness as I can. I’m not mad at him anymore, but I don’t think what he did was okay. I really think I’m over it now, because now I see that he is just a douchebag. I mean stupid. He said stupid things all the time, like Elvis died on stage. And then he’d argue about it and insult me for not agreeing with him. I got to the point where I just agreed with whatever he said just to shut him up, but inside I would question everything he said because he was a compulsive liar. I coped by spending hours on the computer playing so I could avoid him. I used to feel guilty about that, but now I realized that’s the only way I kept my sanity for so long living with a douchebag – a douchebag that was also mean.
I mean really, how stupid is that – to treat me bad and make me angry and depressed, when all he had to do was be nice to me and I would’ve loved him endlessly? Like my husband treats me now – he treats me like gold, I love him to no end, and I’m good to him. It’s not that hard. My ex had this stupid idea that if he were to be nice to me, I would walk all over him. I’m not like that. Too bad for him that he could never see it.
By realizing my ex is a douchebag, I’ve taken away his power. He can’t hurt me anymore, because he’s just a douchebag. None of the mean things he said matter anymore because he’s a douchebag.
If you need a visual – he is over 300 lbs, wears big glasses, doesn’t brush his teeth, smokes cigarettes, and doesn’t shower often. On top of that, he has poor social skills. For instance, he can’t pick up on social cues. He can’t tell when people are uncomfortable and want the conversation to end. He will keep on talking, often saying offensive or embarrassing things. And then he giggles at his own jokes. He hits on waitresses. He is currently unemployed. He complains about every job he has and ends up quitting. He cusses like a sailor and talks about inappropriate things to our son. He takes our son to Hooters. He says that he will hire a hooker for our son when our son turns 18, “to teach him how to please a woman.”
Yes, this guy is a real douchebag. And I worried about what he thought of me?
I’ve realized recently that my anger is gone. I used to be very angry. I would sit and stew about all the bad things people have done to me over the years and I’d get myself really worked up over it. So worked up, sometimes I had difficulty focusing on tasks. Once I punched the walls until my knuckles bled.
But that’s gone now. I’m just not angry anymore. Sometimes I get annoyed, but that’s not the same thing as angry. And I get over it fairly quickly.
There are three possible reasons that I no longer have anger:
1) The medication is working, and made me stop feeling angry.
2) My love I get from my husband has healed my wounds.
3) God has healed my wounds and cured my anger.
I’m not sure what the reason is for my anger going away but I tell you, this is a much better way to live!
BTW, I finished New Moon today. It wasn’t as good as Twilight but it held my interest just the same. I cried a lot through this book, it was sad, Bella living without Edward. I can’t wait to read the rest of the series, I’m DYING to find out if Bella becomes a vampire. Though I suspect she won’t become one until the end of the last book, Edward will drag this thing out.
My husband finally got his yard cleaned up – right on time. Yesterday he had court and they dismissed the case. YAY!
But now the city is on his case about his house. They want to inspect it to make sure it is suitable for living. It isn’t suitable for living, so he’s been blowing them off. Well, yesterday a city official showed up at his door with two cops. He didn’t let them in. A friend of his is telling him to go ahead and move out. So he said yesterday he was finding a place to live.
Earlier, he said he wanted me to spend the night with him, but I thought since he was finding another place to live, that wouldn’t happen.
Then he called me yesterday and left a voicemail saying that he was going to sleep and he’d call me when he got up.
Then it started snowing, so I left work early. I dropped off my prescription for Trazodone at Walmart and went home. By the time I got on my road, the snow was sticking to the road.
A few hours later, my husband called me and wanted to rent a hotel room with me and get snowed in at the motel. We discussed it for a few minutes, then I decided not to because there was more snow on the ground than before, and I’m not driving in it. He said he couldn’t get up his hill in the truck so I would have to meet him somewhere. He was like “Why didn’t you come over earlier?” I said, “I thought you were finding a place to live.” He said “No didn’t you get my message, I was sleeping?” I said “Let’s just not do this tonight.” He said “Fine, I’ll have to make other arrangements then,” and we hung up.
The fact is, he slept too long. If he had woken up right around the time it started snowing, we could’ve gone to a motel together. And I wouldn’t loved to spend the weekend with him. But I’m not risking my life to do that.
I wish I could say I would do anything for my husband. But I can’t. I won’t risk my life and I won’t clean up his mess. These are things that irritate him, but that’s too bad. I have my limits.
I hope he found a place to stay. I called his phone this morning when I got up and it was turned off. That either means he is sleeping or he’s mad at me. I can’t imagine he was sleeping. He gets up at 2am.
Well I had a talk with my boss about the wheelchair foot rests as my therapist suggested, and my boss responded that all new wheelchairs come with removal foot rests, they just don’t know where this lady’s foot rests are. We are ordering a new wheelchair for her, so that will have foot rests, and hopefully it will be here before Feb when her next appointment is.
BTW, I have joined the “Twilight” craze. I just read the book this week and I love it! Bella and Edward are hot! I am now reading New Moon. I will have to see the movies too once I am done with the books.
I actually think Twilight has brought me out of my depression. Now I look forward to going to work every day so I can read. When before I was dreading work because there was nothing to do. Usually in the mornings, I lay in bed as long as possible, but this morning, I woke up at 5:30 and read my book for an hour. It gives me something to look forward to. I remember when I used to be really into reading when I was younger. I actually took time out of my day to read a good book. Now it’s mostly when I have nothing else to do. But, this weekend, I will take time to read!
It is snowing outside, and they are calling for a foot! I don’t know if I like that or not.
I saw my therapist today, for the first time in two months and boy was I glad! I totally unloaded on her, everything that’s happened in the past two months.
I spent a good part of the time complaining about my job. I don’t think I wrote in here when that lady fell with me. It’s the one in the wheelchair that fights me with her feet when I load her on the van. She fell with me a few weeks ago. I was loading her on the van, and she was fighting, and when I was trying to position the wheelchair, she slid off. I felt really bad about that and it was one reason why I was wanting to quit.
The therapist thought that there need to be foot rests on the wheelchair for safety reasons. This lady is due for a new wheelchair now, so I will suggest that they get foot rests put on the new wheelchair. If she had foot rests, her feet wouldn’t touch the ground and she couldn’t fight me when I’m loading and unloading her in the van.
All in all I feel pretty good about this appointment. The therapist always builds me up, and I think she sees that I need it. She keeps telling me that I am smart and that everything I say makes sense.
There has been talk lately of me buying my old boss’ caregiving business, the one I used to work for. She’s selling it for $5,000. My brother would loan me the money if he liked the business, but he doesn’t. He wasn’t happy with the numbers.
Here are the numbers: She made $37,000 in 2007, $35,000 in 2008 and $10,000 in 2009. She hasn’t made much this year because she didn’t promote it. I could promote it and get it back up to the $30,000 range and even more than that.
But my brother doesn’t like it so he’s not loaning me the money. I don’t know what to do. I could get a bank loan and buy the business anyway. But I am afraid of going against his counsel. If he says not to buy it, maybe I shouldn’t.
But my husband wants me to buy it.
The upside to buying it would be a career change that would get me out of this job that I don’t like. And it has a potential to earn more money.
The other option is to try and find caregiving work as an independent contractor. My brother is willing to pay for me to advertise my services in the paper. I may just do that and not run an actual business.
I’m not happy with my life right now. I need a new place to live, and I need a new job.
My old boss is selling her business for $5,000 and I want to buy it, if I can get the money.
I feel better now that I’ve decreased the Invega, after only a day! So it WAS the Invega. My friends and family are noticing the difference too. They say I am back to my old self. YAY!
I am glad because now I don’t have to worry so much about how I am acting and if people think that I am weird.
Me: Friends and family say I have been acting strange. That I have a “flat affect” – not displaying proper emotions, that I have been staring, and walking funny. It either has to do with medication or depression, I am not sure which. My doctor decreased my medication because of these symptoms. I wanted to know if you noticed anything recently. My mom says I’ve been acting like a western state patient and that really scares me.
My BFF’s reply: You have always been reserved, quiet and conservative to a point. That is just your personality. When you and I are together we talk and giggle, that doesn’t seem flat to me. Maybe it is the meds. I have the opposite problem, I am overreactive. Don’t let your mom scare you. She can’t put you in Western State I don’t think and I don’t think you act like that.
That makes me feel a whole lot better!
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